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Remember the big rumor back in high school about the SAT? Allegedly, if you got your name and the date right, you’d get a small number of points towards your overall 1600-point score. That’s what Chris Colston’s power rankings look like to me.

*Note: Read the Colston article before you read this. It’s much funnier that way.

Here is what I can only imagine C.C.’s thought process must have been like:

“Beantown and La La Land lead off, followed by Southwest division rivals New Orleans and San Antonio. OK. Name? Chris Colston. Easy enough. Date? Uh, what is it the 18^th? No, 19^th. 19^th.

Man all these teams look the same. It’s ok Chris, you’re ok. Well Portland has to be here. People are always talking about them. And it’s a pretty safe bet that big guy (oh! Why can’t I remember what happened to him? Something with his neck or wrist or knee or something.) will be amazing. And Fernandez will definitely instantly adjust to the NBA game. Europe and America have very similar styles. And that Bayless guy dished out tons of dimes in summer league, right? He’ll be a good point guard.

I know Elton Brand went to Philly. And big guys always bounce back from ruptured Achilles tendons. So pencil them in at seven. Plus, their complete absence of a supporting cast will only let the best players play more minutes. Their combo of Brand-and Andres Iguodala and the 34-year-old Miller is hands down better than McGrady-Yao-Artest, LeBron-Mo Williams-anyone, Rashard Lewis-Dwight Howard-Hedo Turkoglu, Dirk-Kidd-Howard, or Deron Williams-Boozer-the rest of the Jazz

Pssh. This test is easy.

Seriously, I mean. “How much more can Deron Williams improve?” (blogger’s note: he actually wrote that.) The Jazz? They’re slipping. Sure, they’re young, athletic, have a mixture of power players, spot up shooters, slashers, and defenders but I still like Andre Miller and Co. over the league’s second-best point guard.

Man, this test is long. I mean how many teams are in this thing? My sheet says 30 but that can’t be right. Phoenix and Washington can go next just because I know who’s on their squads. But this middle region is crushing me. 15 through 25? Screw it. I’m just going to write down all the teams that are left then drop a pencil and whoever it lands on is going on there next.


Golden State’s play will be interesting without Baron. (No, Chris. It will stink.) Bucks are thinking playoffs. (Yet, they’re his 9^th Eastern team listed.) Charlotte’s not as good as they seem on paper. (What paper is he looking at?) Mayo and Gay (Gayo?) could be fun to watch. (Gotta love a homosexual joke to spice up a sinking article.)

Teams 25-27? Some quality “at least” jokes should be good enough. OK, who’s left? NJ? NY? I like that Yi fellow much more than Danillo what’s his name.

Whew. Is it over? Did I pass…I mean, make sense? Did I at least get all the teams in there? That’s good.

And I spelled Colston right? Right.”

Back to me: I love Portland and want the world for them to succeed. Season ticket holder, never miss a road game, podcasts, any article even loosely associated with the team, the whole nine yards. But number five? That’s a stretch. Philly’s a bigger stretch and USA Today should suspend C.C. two weeks without pay for ranking the Jazz behind the Mavs, Magic, Cavs, Pistons, Sixers, and yes, the Blazers.

Chris Colston’s NBA SAT score? He got the first four right but then faltered like a distraught, mega-nervous high school student freaking out about actually taking the test colleges place so much weight on. Final score: 212/1600.

Readers, please sound off on Mr. Colston. I think this has to be the most absurd power rankings I’ve seen since the Carolina Panthers were preseason Super Bowl favorites a season or two ago.